Anonymous asked:

any advice on how to deal with creepy boys? The sort that watch you like a damn dog at its meat whenever you get up and walk. ugh.

I'm pretty much Liz Lemon Answer:


The next time you know you’re going to see him, bring with you a cucumber; any phallic-shaped food would do, really, but I think a cucumber would have the best effect.  Walk towards him slowly, staring directly into his eyes, and run your fingertips up and down the cucumber.  As you start to get closer bring it towards your mouth, licking it seductively, all the while maintaining eye contact.  Almost face to face with him now, stare deeply into his eyes for no more than five seconds, before finally violently biting the cucumber in half with a loud CRUNCH.  Spit it out at his feet and stomp it into the ground with your six-inch heels.  Toss the remainder of the cucumber at him nonchalantly and walk away.  He should be too terrified to even be in you presence.  

And if he still stares at you like a hormone-enraged adolescent, then he’s a masochist and I’ve given you terrible advice.